I have a child. I have a dirty car.

Cheerios everywhere – CHECK!
Goldfish with their heads bitten off – CHECK!
Books everywhere – CHECK!
The Spanx that I took off en route to dinner a few weeks ago – CHECK!
My husbands golf clubs, which he will not remove and its driving me CA-RAZY – CHECK!
Some sort of drinking and/or snack contraption and/or 9 – CHECK!
Half empty, Diet Coke mini-cans in 5 out of 6 cup holders (Yes, in the back seat, too.) – CHECK!
3 and a half hoodies – CHECK!
A jean jacket – CHECK!
4,004 CD’s – CHECK! CHECK! CHECK!
Gloss or chapstick that has been melted, frozen and brought back to normal 600 times – CHECK!
Various other items I may or may not feel comfortable talking about with you – CHECK!

So, the other day, after pulling through the drive-thru at Starbucks for a coffee, I realize HOW messy my car is. I had zero free cup holders. Then, I pull up a couple of feet and remember they have this:

Effin brilliant. Not only can I free up some cup holders, but I can totally clean out all the other shit from my car. You have to be fast though. Especially at places like Chick-Fil-A where the service is fast. You never want to be stuck in mid-reach for a wadded up ball of straw wrappers, because the bitch in the car behind you only ordered a Diet Coke. Total blue balls.

Not so long after, I was driving by this Taco Cabana and saw this:

I was all “Hells yeah Luuuca!”, because my car was dirty of course. NOT AT ALL b/c I wanted liquid cheese on the side of anything like chips or whatever.

So, if you see someone in the next few days with a huge belly, a beard and a deep laugh, don’t be fooled into thinking its Santa Claus. It’s just me all roided out and eating too much fast food. All in an effort to keep my car clean, of course.