Ok, so, if I see the “Your Baby Can Read” infomercial http://tinyurl.com/ycoqfu8 one more time I think I might snap. Really?? You can teach my one year old to read? I mean, it sounds good, in theory, I guess. I can see it now:

“Luca, be a doll and go to the basket of magazines by the toilet and grab my latest US Weekly and read a few pages to mommy!! Those three glasses I just drank of mommy’s special juice seem to have made my vision a little blurry.

(Luca walks…or crawls…to get the mag)

No, no, no Luca, start on page three. I already told you! I don’t care about the letters to the editor OR the table of contents, GAH! I just want to hear how the celebrities are JUST LIKE US!

(Luca asks what a three is again, since he can’t talk or anything, and mommy has to help him find the page = Loser.)

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, read that again, love. Rachel Bilson REALLY wants to cross the street? OH. ME. GAAD. I totally want to cross the street, too, like, all the time. Sorry to interrupt, keep reading hon. Wait, WHAT?! GET OUT OF HERE!!!

(punches Luca in the arm and shoves him off the bed, by accident of course…helps him back up)

Mario Lopez PUMPS GAS TOO!. Just like us. I knew it. I knew we were normal. I told you so.”

Ahhh, where to start.

A. First off, I call bullshit about an 8 month old reading. Like Luca is going to ask me to buy him a Vonnegut novel instead of a “Thats not my monster” touch and feel book next time we’re at Borders.

B. Why the HELL would I want to teach my one year old to read? That’s why I am going to send him to school in a couple of years. Well, so he can learn to read AND so that I can come home and watch The View without having to play leggos in unison. If I wanted to home school my kid, I wouldn’t be applying for preschools that cost more, yearly, than my entire college degree did. “Sure, we don’t have to eat dinner every night, Gus, as long as Luca is learning his ABC’s two days faster at this school than the loser kids at the preschool down the street.”

C. Aren’t one year old children supposed to be playing in the mud, or with hot wheels? Or shitting their pants? Or playing with themselves? I mean, they have like two decades (three, if they go with my college plan) of school ahead of them. Please, please, please don’t make them start reading shit now, dudes. The video says they can sit through the lesson “without stopping and being distracted and running around the room.” I can’t even do that now and I’m 31.

D. It’s just creepy.

Really, the only way I think I could buy into it, is if it would help him put his poo poo in the potty.

If that’s not the case, then can you please create a “Your baby can decant a bottle of wine, serve you a glass and bring it to you with a cheese plate” DVD. Now THAT would be the shiznit.