My life as a Roid Head
I have been battling chronic sinusitis for a couple of years now. Blah. Without going into too much detail, my head has been filled with mucus for FOREVER. You should hear some of the sounds I make to try and get it out. Yikes. This is always followed by me quickly telling my husband, “Sorry, sorry, sorry. I can’t help it.” I’m pretty sure I have even done a few herkies on those rare occasions when something actually does come out. It’s bliss.
After many rounds of antibiotics, I was finally referred to an ENT. He put me on 2 weeks of prednisone and 3 weeks of Biaxin, which, if you haven’t been prescribed, makes you wake up in the morning feeling like a monkey shit quarters in your mouth.
The steroids, on the other hand, make me wake up in the morning feeling like fucking superwoman.
It wasn’t love at first fix, however.
I was hesitant when my doc put me on them. I have seen many people struggle with bad side effects while taking them and, lord knows, I am not dealing with an emotional full deck as it is. The thought of being all roided out freaked me the fuck out. The ENT asked me how I felt about it and I told him, “As long as they don’t make me a raging, pimply bitch, I am pretty much game for anything.”
(I even asked him if there was some sort of vacuum they could attach to my nose. Negative on the nose-vac.)
A couple of hours after I took my first dose (4 pills), I began sweating like a Cub Scout at Neverland. It was intense.
The second day I was on them I begin having aches in my legs and lower back. I immediately rubbed Ben-Gay all over myself and curled up in my bed. My dogs would not get anywhere near me. When my husband got home, he could smell the Ben-Gay from the back door. He winced when he saw/smelled me and, really, who could blame him? Even Tiger Woods wouldn’t have hit that shit.
This brings me to day three. The day I saw the light. The day I became “That Mom”. You know? The one that showers, gets dressed, feeds my kid…and all that shit. The day I stopped judging A-Rod. The day a voice came down from the heavens and…. Well, you get the picture. I even started feeling hotter. This part is possibly tied to the fact that I started to shower daily but, whatevs, I still felt hawt.
This is not to say that I am not feel slightly more emotional. And if you know me, you know that I have no room for slight.
I have had a couple of weird episodes.
I think at one point I may have put the moves on my husband and, when he tried to reciprocate, yelled RAPE, picked him up and threw him across the room. He’s fine. This is about me. Focus.
I bawled like a baby during the season finale of Dexter.
I cried at Walgreen’s. In my defense though, its TOTALLY the music in there. It always chokes me up. Its hard to get out of there without wanting to cut myself most times. I caught myself wandering the aisles, singing along:
Look at these eyes
They never seen what mattered
Look at these dreams
So beaten and so battered, hoo… ooh…
I don’t know much
But I know I love you
And that may be
All I need to know
Fucking Aaron Neville. EVERY GOD DAMN TIME with this guy and his voice.
I have one more week of the mommy crack to go. This lands me detoxing off them right around Christmas in Laredo. Awesome. I’ll probably end up eating the entire Turducken and then announcing to the children that their parents are big fat liars and that you know who doesn’t exist. Then I’ll point and laugh. Then I’ll cry. Then I’ll ask for forgiveness, while I am eating the pie straight off the pie plate and washing it down with another bottle of wine.
Until then, I am just going to enjoy these days of showering and being able to breath. Actually, this really could not have come at a better time of year. I already wrapped ALL of Luca’s presents (who cares if some were ones he already had but hasn’t played with in months) and put them under the tree. I put a couple of Hot Wheels in his stocking already, too.
It’s beginning to look a little like Christmas. Love it. Makes me all warm and fuzzy.
Now fuck off and leave me alone.