About a week ago, I went to the doctor. I felt like shit. Awful. I convinced myself it was H1N1. I was swiney and I knew it. After seeing the doctor, he totally made me feel much less like the hypochondriac I know I can be. He told me it was too early to test for H1N1, but wrote me a scrip for Tamiflu and told me to start taking it if I got a fever that night.

I left the doc and went straight to Walgreens to drop off the prescription…since I was dying and everything. It was about 5:30 and Luca was with me. He usually goes to bed around this time, (yes, really! and sleeps till 7) a fact I’m sure makes me annoying to a lot of people. I know its the only reason people “Hide” me on FB or even defriend me….GASP. Whatevs. So he looks like he is about to fall asleep and if you’re a mom you know this is VERY undesirable. Falling asleep in the car seat for 5 minutes and then, the second you get him out of the car, its like he drank a Red Bull all of a sudden. Major fail. I was talking with my cousin about this last night, actually. Comparing our”wake the fuck up” techniques. Turn the music up, scream their names loudly, apply the brake a little too forcefully at the four way stop. Whatever works to not screw up my night…because it is, after all, all about me….always.

Anyways, enough about my awesome parenting skills. Where was I? Ahhh, yes, at Walgreens. I pull up to the drive-thru to drop off my Tamiflu. There are two lanes. On a side note, don’t you hate getting in the far lane with the little bank shoot thingamajiggy? Even if there is one car in the first lane and no car in the second lane. I just feel like a second class citizen, less cared for, less important, less loved. Ok, so I pull up and there is about two cars in the first class lane and one car in the loser lane….AND one car, in the middle, behind both lanes. Waiting…and blocking both lanes with her stupid little white sports car.

Personally, I think there is an unwritten rule we all should follow when it comes to drive-thru lanes. For instance, when you pull up to the bank, and no one is behind you, its perfectly acceptable to hang back and wait to see which line opens up first. On the other hand, if you pull up to the bank and there are cars behind you, you have to bite the bullet and pick a lane. Sometimes you win. Sometimes you’re screwed and get the longest line. But, my friends, that’s just the way the stupid cookie crumbles (or lucky cookie, depending on the kind of day you are having).

So, the chick in the stupid white sports car was directly in violation of this rule. She was in the middle of both lanes, with me, and a couple of other pissed off people, behind her. I was not in a good mood to begin with, being that I was dying of H1N1, yelling at my kid, blaring the music as loud as I could without hurting his poor little exhausted 15 month old ear drums, so he would not fall asleep before we got home. When I pulled up and saw this chic, I was all “Oh no she didn’t” and I slowly drove around her and got in the longest lane (the loser one) so she would have better odds. I am gracious like that. It’s just how I roll, yo. SO, all of a sudden, I hear her slam on her horn….a continuous, mean honk…not a non-threatening “beep beep”, but a “BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP” She continues to do this, so finally I roll down my window and say to her, nicely I might add (especially being that I had Swine Flu), “Hey, there are two lanes dude, you have to pick one”. I then roll up my window. All the while this is going on, another girl looks at me like “oh no she DID- ENT!” She was totally on my side, because I was right of course. I continue waiting, yelling at Luca, I may have thrown a hot wheels at him, but my memory is fuzzy b/c I had swine flu. When, ALL OF A SUDDEN, I hear a car door slam and see this stupid white preppy chick (from the stupid white sports car) getting out of the car and walking directly towards mine. REALLY? So, she starts screaming at me through the window. I finally roll down the window because, believe it or not, I am, on occasion, unable to shut my mouth and keep my opinions to myself. She is screaming at me “What the fuck, you cut in front of me!!”. I start telling her about the unwritten drive-thru rule, but it seemed there was no getting through to this nutcase. She was PISSED. I thought about calling her every name in the book. I even thought about the dreaded C word that’s, like, the worst word you can call any woman. That’s how much I let her get to me. I didn’t say it though. I just thought it because, again, I am classy like that. Plus, my kid was in the car. I mean, the last thing I want him doing is calling his teacher a cunt on his first day of school. That would totally make me look like a bad parent…unless I blamed it on Gustavo (hmmm). So, crazy prep chic is still yelling, and I still had nothin’. Then finally it came to me. I knew what to tell her to get her the hell away from me and my child. So I calmly SCREAMED at her, “Hey!! I have the Swine Flu BITCH, so I would run away as fast as you can before I cough in your psycho face.” And you wanna know something? It worked. She ran away. She then proceeded to get in her stupid car, somehow managed to reverse out of the line, peeled out passed me and shot me the finger with both hands. The double bird!! I waved “buh-bye” to her sarcastically. Funny thing is, right when she left all the lanes opened up and started moving at warp speed. I guess the moral of the story is that being a bitch can be a bitch! The line inside was like 10 people deep. Poor girl. I hope they had her anti-psychotics filled when she got to the counter one hour later.

Update: I didn’t have swine flu. It was a mixture of chronic sinusitis and crazy paranoid bitch syndrome. So, now I have this box of Tamilflu and I’m feeling guilty about it. I mean, someone really does need it and its not me. I ended up offering it to the love of my life – my housekeeper/nanny (or any of her friends who may get sick) Those pills are expensive!! Especially without health insurance OR when you can’t even see a doctor to get it.

P.S. Upon the advice of my mom, I will not be rolling down the window to yell at strangers anymore. I will instead give her the double bird and continue yelling at my sleepy child.