I am the proud, and usually un-showered, mommy of one little boy, with another little guy on the way.
Because I sure as hell don’t want one of me. Or, rather, one of me as a teenager.
Payback’s a bitch.
When I sat down to write this post it took much longer than it should have to narrow down which acts I was going to fess up to. Yes, there were that many.
So, I decided to go with two that are particularly unforgettable.
Let’s get this out of the way and start with the most embarrassing, shall we?
When I was in my late teens, because it sounds better, I snuck my steady boyfriend into my house in the middle of the night. And not to watch movies or talk. After we had done the awkward teenage deed, you want to put what where?
I put the leftover condom (hooray for safe sex!) in a half empty coke can that sat on my bedside table. I snuck my boyfriend back out, crept back in my house and fell asleep. Romantic, I know. The next morning, I sat in the kitchen chatting on the phone, on three-way, with two of my girlfriends. As I tried to soak up all the Boone’s Strawberry Hill from the night before with a greasy taco, my mother, her back turned to me, washed dishes at the sink.
Honey, I’ve decided to start recycling! It’s supposed to be great for the environment. Why not, right? (This was in the 90′s)
Sure, Mom, whatever you say. Sounds cool. *rolls complicated teenage eyes*
It was at that moment it struck me. My mom had collected every coke can from around the house and was preparing them for the recycle bin.
By emptying them all out in the sink.
I threw my taco and ran over to her, but not before she reached for the remaining can and began pouring the warm coke down the drain.
In excruciatingly slow motion, the condom came out with it.
The used condom landed square in the sink.
I ran to my room and locked myself in there for the rest of the day. The next morning, my mother drove me to the lady doctor for the first time. I left with a prescription for little pills that would prevent her from becoming a grandmother before I graduated from high school.
(Please let’s never speak of this again.)
Now that we’ve gotten that story out of the way, let’s move on to the time I was a huge jerk to my mom.
One Saturday night, my sophomore year in high school, I stayed out all night.
To be precise, it was 4:30 in the morning when one of my friends delivered me back to my house. We had been at a friend’s party and had lost track of time. Or something like that.
“Oh my God, What the *bleep* am I going to say? I am so dead. And? I don’t have a key.”
I stood outside my front door for some time. Searching for the nerve to ring the doorbell. When I found it, I took a deep breath and pushed the little round button that was sure to be the death of me.
Allison? Is that you? What in the world?
Mom, of course it’s me, I have been standing out here four hours ringing the doorbell!
Oh no, honey, I must have been so asleep that I didn’t hear you! I feel so terrible! Are you cold? Is it cold? Are you OK?
I ended up sleeping the remainder of the day and I’m pretty sure she brought me breakfast in bed.
Yes. I know I am going to hell.
Now it’s time for you to make me feel better.
What is your most scandalous teenage confession?