You guys, why won’t these people let me sleep? Apparently, I birthed nocturnal beings. And adopted three more from the pound. It’s like I am living with a family of bats or something.

Up all night.

This is what was happening in our house from the hours of 2-5 in the goddamn morning.

* * * * * *

Leo wakes up around two, throws back a couple of swigs of formula, and goes back to sleep.

Nice.

Just as I’m laying my sleepy head back down, thinking how smooth this night is going, BAM!

LUCA: (screaming from the top of his lungs) MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY!

ME: (stomps up the stairs, frantically searching for my patience) Yes, honey?

LUCA: (blank stare)

ME: YES, HONEY?

LUCA: (hysterical, unintelligible, screaming, head spinning around) I’m WET!

ME: (Half-assedly changes sheets. What? Like he really needs BOTH sheets.) OK. Go to sleep now, honey.

LUCA: OK, mommy.

I dive back into my bed.

That wasn’t so bad. And I still have a few more hours of….

LUCA: MOMMY!

ME: (stomps back upstairs) WHAT IS IT, CHILD?

LUCA: What kind of dinosaur is this? (points to a sticker)

ME: GO. TO. SLEEP.

LUCA: I want more stickers now Mommy. Turn the lamp on. Can we go to the zoo tomorrow? Are the bears fwiendly? The fish live in an aquarium.

ME: Baby, this is stuff we talk about during the day. And stickers are also for during the day. GOOD NIGHT.

LUCA: NO! NOOOOO! NOOOOOO! (more screaming)(so. much. screaming.)(won’t. stop. screaming. omg.)

At this point, my tired blood was starting to boil. I couldn’t get him to stop screaming long enough for him to hear anything I was saying.

So, um, I sorta lost it.

And that’s when it happened.

I clapped right in front of his face, really loud.

Then, obviously, more shit hit the fan.

So. Much. Shit.

Big, fat crocodile tears were streaming down his face and he was looking at me like I had just murdered motherfucking Caillou (which I’d totally do, if given the chance.)

Immediately, I felt terrible for not handling the situation better, and for acting like the other three year old in the family.  So, I began apologizing, profusely, for losing it.

Then we hugged and made up and he said he was ready to go to sleep and I went downstairs and he started screaming and I lost it and…lather, rinse, repeat.

(This is par for the course in our house most nights.)

Once we had both finally calmed down, we laid there and held each other. Both of us exhausted.

LUCA: You clapped in my face, mommy.

ME: I know, baby. And I shouldn’t have done that. I was just frustrated and I wanted to get your attention. But, that’s no excuse. Clapping in your face was not cool.

LUCA: You would not like it if I clapped in YOUR face, mommy.

(PUNCH ME IN THE GUT, KID)

ME: You’re absolutely right. I wouldn’t like it. It was disrespectful. And just like you need to respect me, I need to respect you, too. Mommy messed up. I’ll try harder. I’ll do better.

LUCA: OK, Mommy. I love you. Ni ni.

I plugged in four million night-lights, left all the lights on outside his room, promised him a pony and world peace, and crept back to my bedroom.

And, finally, FINALLY, we all fell back asleep in our own beds.

(Ten minutes later….)

MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW.

WOOF.

MOMMMMYYYYYYYY.

Fuuuuuuuck.