If You Need Someone To Stick A Suppository Up Your Butt At Three In The Morning, I’m Your Man.
It’s like opposite month at my house or something.
My three month old is sleeping way better than my three year old.
Like, way, way, way better.
For the past couple of weeks, Big L has big waking up 2-3 times A NIGHT screaming at me like I am his bitch.
That’s MRS. BITCH to you, young man.
He is scared of the monsters and the spiders in his room.
And the shadows.
And the noises.
Mommy, can you turn on all the lights so I can stop hearing those noises.
It’s like he’s three or something.
I go back and forth, depending on my patience level, to either cuddling and talking with him or wanting to throw myself down a flight of stairs.
We tried the monster spray, which totally fucked with his mind, because I have been telling him over and over and over again that MONSTERS ARE NOT REAL. And then I mix up some water, Splenda, and baby probiotic drops in a spray bottle and tell him to spray it all over his room, because apparently monsters don’t like artificial sweeteners.
The kid was so totally confused, so I named it “scary thoughts” spray, instead.
What’s a thought, mommy?
Errrrm.
All the spray ended up doing was soaking his room and making his sheets taste sweet and calorie free. It did not make him any less scared.
Last night he was awake at three, up to his usual shenanigans.
After finally getting him back to bed, little L woke up and with an upset tummy. I think the rice cereal I use to thicken his formula (for reflux) stops the little guy right up. So, after an hour of grunting and pushing and crying, and looking like he needed an epidural, I popped a suppository in him, and a diaper on him.
And I waited.
And, well, that shit causes shit.
With an empty tummy and a huge smile on his face we finally fell asleep around five.
Only to be woken up again at six by the asshole cat.
Obviously.
I’m never going to sleep again.
On another note, I’m on a diet. I figure losing a few pounds will be good for my holey heart.
So, the next time Luca wakes up in the middle of the night, I will likely eat him.
Nom Nom Nom.
Sigh.
Amanda
OMG maybe there is a 3-year-old conspiracy out there because my 3 1/2-year-old has been up to the same funny business. I fear I may have a sleepwalker though so it could be an entirely different brand of funny business.
I figure we will sleep when we are dead. Enjoy dreaming about sleep because I hear when they are teens it is worse
PS – I once had to pull a turd out of my son’s ars upon arriving at a water park because he was SOOOO backed up that he was literally plugged. I feel your suppository-administering pain!
admin
Oh no! A sleepwalker! Good luck!
Also, glad I am not alone!!! One day we will sleep again!!
Maybe.
xo
Jenny
I’m so not looking forward to Addison turning 3!
admin
3 is SO. MUCH. HARDER. than 2. At least it has been for us! Addison is SO CUTE btw. Love your FB pic right now!
xo
Babz
Wow… Things are always rocking at your house!! Sorry Sweetie!!
AmazingGreis
Sounds like a fun time in your house! I think we need alcohol, stat!
admin
always. xo
DogsOnDrugs.com
I’d always been tempted to try reverse psychology on my kids, because I’m sure it would work: “Ok, sport, you’re on guard duty now. You watch that closet door and DON’T FALL ASLEEP because that’s when monsters come into your room.” I’m convinced that logs would be a-sawin’ in no time.
But because I don’t want to be known as the guy who fathered Dahmer II, I never tried it. Sigh. Missed opportunities.
admin
haahahaha.
Anne
I use a box fan on low to drown out any random noises that my little dude might hear and be afraid of, and told him his favorite stuffed animal bear, that he calls Momma Bear, watches over his room at night and the monsters are VERY afraid of Momma Bear and run away when they see her.
[yes, I told him monsters aren't real,but since I am *obviously* wrong about HIS kind of monsters, this switch in my theory didn't cause too much angst.]
Maybe something of this will help?
admin
Thank you!
We have a sound machine in his room, that we could not live without b/c of our loud, yappy dogs, but I love the momma bear idea!! I may let him go pick out something new today. Thanks for the ideas!! xoxo
DogsOnDrugs.com
Ooh, careful with the Momma Bear concept. It may work, but it may get the tyke to thinking, “If monsters are scared of Momma Bear, she must be MORE DANGEROUS THAN MONSTERS!”
I briefly tried it, but backed out of it quickly as it seemed to make things worse.
Stephanie @DialMforMinky
Dude. You know I have been there. But I have to confess that I had trouble reading the post due to the squinty and watering nature of my eyes in reaction to the title.
I am still laughing.
admin
hahahaha! mommy-hood is so glam!
Jennifer
TRY the rainbow light, and tough love. I know it hurts. I know how hard it is. I do it every night. But it does start to get better when you just act like a total bitch. (And then go hide in your room and cry.)
DogsOnDrugs.com
And that, right there, is what worked for us. My wife has a book about sleeping through the night that you can start with VERY early. (Just looked for it on Amazon, couldn’t find it, will look more later.)
The upshot is that on the first night, when they cry, you go in there but don’t touch them. Reassure them with your voice and then leave. Repeat this as necessary.
Second night, stick your head in the room and reassure them. Leave. Repeat if needed (it will be needed).
Third night, reassure them from right outside the door. Repeat.
From then on, you can yell, “Go to sleep, everything’s ok!” from your bed if you feel like it.
And that’s it. It works, but in practice it’s hard because you WANT to reassure them more. You WANT to get them to stop crying. You WANT to go to freaking sleep. But if you can do that for 3 nights, you’ve got the battle almost won. I’ve got three kids, and I’ve never had that constant waking up needing mommy or daddy phase last more than 5 days.
admin
We are getting this! With tough love. Ugh. http://www.sunsetdimmer.com/ Maybe I should just drink too much so I pass out and don’t hear him. Parenting 101.
Sherry Carr-Smith
I do have to wonder if you put Splenda in the bottle so he won’t have so many calories when you eat him. Way to think ahead.
Momma Chaos
Just a thought- we had to thicken my youngest’s formula when he was a wee one.. He couldn’t tolerate Rice cereal & we ended up using Barley with wonderful results. No advice on the monster sounds, my 5yr old still deals with that.. lol
Allison Zapata
oh, awesome. couldn’t hurt to try!!! thanks so much!! xoxo
Jess
Lol. I’m so sorry. I remember popping the thermometer in Allie so she’d poop. Fun times I tell you. Hopefully someday we’ll sleep again.