When married with children, dating becomes so much more complex than it used to be.

First, there’s the whole paying someone an arm and leg to watch your cute to you, but smelly to others, children.

If you’re lucky enough to find a regular babysitter whom you trust (you know, the kind of sitter you’d sooner listen to Nickelback on repeat for 24 hours, before sharing their number with anyone), things don’t really get much easier.

When your husband makes a reservation at your favorite only on special occasions restaurant, you know they aren’t doing it so you can Superwomen change into your four year old, bleached stained, maternity pajamas the moment you walk in the door.

No, ladies, nothing is free in marriage.

Especially not that fancy Surf n Turf special you’ve been dreaming about all week.

Tis true, in a perfect world sexual favors are regularly bartered for a $70 per pound crustacean, but that doesn’t always mean they come easy.

And neither do us women.

When date night begins, there are usually many dirty promises and oh wait till I get you homes. But, throw in a couple of bottles of wine and a steak the size of your face and the libido that was once your horny trusty friend can sometimes take a nosedive…straight into ugly pajamas and recordings of Desperate Housewives.

But, on the other hand, zero drinks and no food can also put a damper on the one time a week if he’s lucky sex.

AND MEN KNOW THIS.

I didn’t know they knew until one special evening out, when my husband started acting like more of a weirdo than I am.

“Would you like a glass of champagne to start the night?

Here, have a glass of this fabulous Pinot, babe. It’ll knock your panties off. Er, I mean socks.

Ohhh, no, you don’t want the steak! I hear it’s like leather. One piece of lobster and some salad would be so much better for me.

You sure you want to finish that? You know how much you hate to be too full. I think just one more bite would be perfect.

Oh, nooooo, you don’t want a shot. Remember that one time when you peed on the stairs because you thought you were in the bathroom?

There you go. One sip of port and…WAIT…not too much. No, a little more. OK OK, that’s perfect. Slowly, put the glass down and let’s get out of here. I heard the dessert sucks, anyway.”

At first, I thought he was trying to get into the whole dominate-submissive thing. So, naturally, I was expecting him to whip out some nipple tassels, a paddle, and my old high school uniform at any moment.

Then, I realized he was just trying to solve the age old, complex chemistry formula that we ladies can be.

And he has.

Even though he still fails on the regular, he pretty much has the whole getting laid after date night down to the science that it is.

Not so much alcohol that he gets the I’m so drunk the room is spinning OMG I’m gonna puke get me a bucket fast reaction.

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Not so little alcohol that it results in the I’m so stressed out I just want to relax for a little bit and clear my head comeback.

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Not so much food that he gets the OMG, I’m so disgusting and full don’t even look at me HOW CAN YOU LOVE ME reply.

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Enough food to ward off the whole I think I have low blood sugar oh, man, I’m so dizzy I should lay down for a just. one. minute…zzzzzzzzz…dilemma.

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A few nice compliments and loving gazes.

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Hot married sex…until the baby monitor starts glowing red and the cat pukes.