Remember back in high school when you hated someone just because your friend(s) did? You know, someone who had never done a god damn thing to you, but that didn’t matter because she totally fucked your friend’s boyfriend of two days, so you were required to hate her, too?

You know what the worst thing is about this sort of mob mentality?

It still exists.

I cannot tell you the number of times I have rolled my eyes while looking at the Facebook status or Tweet of someone my friends don’t like. People I’ve had limited interaction with, none of which was negative. Or, the times I feel guilty for laughing at someone’s joke or digging the things they say, because one of my friends doesn’t like them.

I’ve gone through much of my life forming my assumptions of people based solely on how others see them.

In High School, I was never outright mean to anyone. I mean, I don’t think I was, anyway. Those of you that knew me, feel free to correct me if I’m wrong.

But, I didn’t always go out of my way to be nice to the banished either and, if we’re being honest, that’s exactly the same thing as being outright mean.

The fear of the majority has often prevented me from getting to know the minority.

And, I get it.

I don’t necessarily want my close friends breaking bread or watching the Real Housewives with someone with whom I’ve had a negative experience.

A completely normal feeling, it’s human nature.

It, most definitely, comes from a fear that our friend will switch sides or begin to like them better than us. All of it, rooted in one thing – jealousy. We don’t want that bitch thinking our friends like her. We need her to know that she is the problem, not us, because see even my friends hate you, it’s not just me!

And, while it’s completely natural, it’s also completely immature.

Of course, there are varying degrees as to what atrocity someone’s committed.

There are things that should make it impossible to like or trust someone.

If she tried to fuck her husband, will she tried to fuck mine?

She said something racist or down right awful, and I know I could never be friends with someone who stands in a corner so far from mine.

She stabbed someone’s puppy.

There are absolutely times we must stick up for our friends when they’ve been wronged, because that’s what friends do.

But, when someone is shunned because they are different or not as popular? Those are the times we need to stay the hell out of it, and avoid basing our opinions on those of others.

In other words, we have to think for ourselves.

The hardest part of this is our fear we may hurt or even lose our friends; that we’ll be kicked out of the cool kids club and sent to eat lunch all alone at the loser table.

And, shit, the more I get into this, the more I realize there is no easy answer.

Because, I would be hurt if one of my friends loved someone I loathed, so how could I expect them not to be when the roles are reversed?

Is it ever possible to stay neutral, or does it always make us a bad friend?

If we refuse to give other people a chance, are we missing out on what could become a great friendship?

There is such a fine line between being a good friend, a sheep, and a mean girl.

And, for the life of me, I can’t figure out how to navigate it.

I posted on this topic recently, only in a haha tone.

Today, there will be much less haha and many more tiny violins.

That was a warning, should you choose to flee the pity party before it begins.

Which would be now.

Underneath the exaggerated PMS jokes and witty puns, I am feeling incredibly frustrated with my months and my moods, both of which are anything and everything but consistent.

I exist in extremes. I’m either high or I’m low. Happy or sad. Confident or full of self-doubt.

In all my 35 years, my mind has yet to reach a happy medium of anything in between.

The only thing I’ve come to depend on is that my state of being is completely undependable. No matter how many good days may pass, I’m no longer fooled into believing that the other shoe isn’t dangling by a thread. I know it’s going to drop, I just don’t know exactly when – until I wake up in the morning and it’s upside down on the floor.

Usually, I have about two solid weeks of feeling on top of the world. I’m full of energy, confidence, and creativity. I’m the best mom, wife, and friend anyone could ask for. I’m responsible and timely. I like the way I look. I don’t get the nervous jitters when I have to talk to people, because I’m never at a loss for something funny to say. I always have a quip in my bag, ready to pull out, ready to break the ice.

And so I think….

Finally, I’ve found my groove! I’m a real writer, with real jobs. I’m a great mom and a kick ass wife. I clean my house. I get shit done. Shit that doesn’t even need doing. I’ve got life by the balls.

BAM!

The shoe drops so loudly it startles me, and I’m hit with two weeks of trying to navigate through a dense, scary fog. I sit on the sidelines and, like an observer, watch my responsibilities pile up one…by…one. I know I need to tackle them or the elephant will continue to settle in on my chest.

But, I don’t.

Because, I can’t.

So, I look away (just not at my reflection, because suddenly I don’t like that nearly as much as I did just the day before).

Avoidance is a skill I’ve perfected. I’m so damn good at it I could win a medal in the Avoidance Olympics.

If I have twenty things I need to get done, I’ll put on pajamas and climb into bed.

Maybe if I ignore them they’ll just go away? Besides, tomorrow I’ll start over. I’ll do better. Maybe, I’ll even be me again.

I feel suffocated and paralyzed during the lows. And, it seems my main defense has become a sort of detached apathy.

I just stop giving a shit.

Why even try? It’s not like I’m that good a writer anyway. Does anyone even know I exist? Because, I’m not even sure I exist.

Of course, these lows come to an end and, just like that, I wake up with both shoes snug on my feet.

I’m me again.

Inevitably, this is when the guilt whacks me upside my head, and I feel so angry at myself for fucking up the roll I was on and throwing away all that progress.

With nothing else to do, I start over from scratch.

Yes.

I see a therapist.

Yes.

I’m on an anti-anxiety medication.

Yes.

It helps. But, many times, not enough.

Or maybe (probably?) this is just who I am…and who I’ve always been.

An overly-emotional, all or nothing, basket-case of a chick.

Sometimes, I think I’d be better off concentrating less on fixing something…something that may not be that broken in the first place…and instead accept this crazy mood instability, and try to figure out a way to make it work for me.

All fine and good, if I only had the slightest clue as to how.

Sure, I could try and write through the lows, but there’s a huge chance this would result in a series of, “I have no creativity right now. I feel like shit. This shit sucks. Bleh. Meh. Cry. Wah. Punch something. Fuck it, I’m just gonna watch Real Housewives instead,” posts.

So, yeah.

I’m constantly wondering if others ride this pendulum of emotions, too, or if I’m just a special kind of different.

Luckily, not all my lows are this low. But, I felt compelled to write about it today, because this month was a sad, sad beast, that I’m just now killing dead.

Finally, the fog is lifting and I’m on my way back up.

So, I’ll ride this high wave and take advantage of the energy and efficiency it brings so that, hopefully, when the low hits – and it will hit – I’ll be a tiny bit ahead in this game called life.

Tis true.

I’m a sucker for surprises.

Getting them and giving them.

It’s fun to make people happy.

I overdo things so much on holidays, it’s shocking my kids didn’t get an enormous stuffed groundhog on Groundhog’s Day.

And, while Valentine’s Day is still fun in the romantic sense, it’s become even more fun for me since Luca and Leo came along.

Last night, I set up a Valentine’s morning love-fest for all my boys, big and small.

I posted this picture on my social media networks and got plenty of, “Wow! You sure do go all out!”

But, my friend Nicole really hit the nail on the head, as to why I always go big or go home.

I even bought my husband three separate cards, because I loved them and HOW COULD ANYONE EXPECT ME TO MAKE SUCH AN ENORMOUS DECISION AND JUST CHOOSE ONE?

The boys eyes popped out of their heads as they walked into our kitchen this morning.

We sat cross-legged on the floor and dug through the goodies and sweet-treats.

And, this is when it dawned on me just how different my boys’ personalities are.

I turned Luca’s lobster on for him….

And, immediately, he clasped a hand over each of his ears.

Mommy, it’s so loud.

I jumped over him to shut the thing up, and then went to hunt down my little escapee, Leo, to give him his flamingo….

In seconds, his expression went from curious to hesitant. I assumed he’d followed Luca’s lead, and quickly turned it off.

That’s when he began to cry…for me to turn it back on.

And then he danced.

Right before we left for school, I found Luca in the den inspecting his red-hot lobster. This time, he turned it on himself.

And then he laughed.

Sure enough, he just needed some time to warm up to it on his own terms…like everything in life.

This is the blueprint for all things that come their way.

They couldn’t be more different, or more perfect, in their own way.

And, whaddya know, someone even remembered mommy!

My husband surprised me with a Leo to match my Luca.

Which, made my surprises for him seem…not as romantic.

Happy Valentine’s Day! I’m on my period and here’s three cards and a Kurt Vonnegut shirt…

If you’re not a Vonnegut fan, but you still think you have an idea as to what this is, you’re…ahem…probably right…even though you don’t want to be.

Yes. I gave my husband a t-shirt with a butthole on it for Valentine’s Day.

I know….I KNOW!

Anyway, no matter how you celebrate today – be it cautiously or wildly, with jewelery or with a butthole, I hope it’s just perfect.

And, now my head-cold and I are off to crawl into bed, as we weepingly wonder what in the hell we were thinking giving the boys such LOUD singing creatures.

Happy Valentine’s Day, sweet friends.

Already eight days into the month, and I’m just getting around to publishing this!

I really must love the pressure or something.

Now, to share with you the February installment of Project: We See You.

The good people at the Houston Coalition for the Homeless are collecting supplies for a number of homeless who now, thanks to so many, finally HAVE A HOME!

But, a house with nothing in it really isn’t a home at all…in the true sense of the word, anyway.

These people have fought tremendous odds their entire lives.

No, they aren’t lazy.

No, they aren’t moochers.

No, they aren’t trying to take advantage of the system.

Trust me when I say that they do not want to be who they are, or where they are. My guess is they’re already hard enough on themselves, without needing the extra judgement and side-eye of society, all of which are unproductive and damaging to the cause.

(If you don’t have anything nice to say….)

Luckily, there are people who are putting their heads together, thinking up new ways to help the homeless. Because, obviously, what we as a society have been doing isn’t working, and isn’t nearly enough.

Many cities are joining in a new Housing First approach, in an attempt to tackle the homeless epidemic from a different direction.

The lovely Whitney, of the Coalition, explained it to me in more detail.

“There are thousands of people in Houston who have lived outside for long periods of time, and who have severe enough issues with mental health and/or addictions that keeping a home is extremely challenging.  When you talk to these neighbors of ours, you learn that their lives have been anything but easy, and oftentimes beginning as infants or young children were dealt the hand of sexual, physical, emotional abuse or neglect.  Research has shown that when our brain develops in this environment, it is limited in its ability to experience feelings of happiness and security, and many people turn to drugs and alcohol as a way to experience those feelings.  ‘To expect an addict to give up her drug is like asking the average person to imagine living without all his social skills, support networks, emotional stability, and sense of physical and psychological comfort.  Those are the qualities that drugs, in their illusory and evanescent way, give the addict,’ according to Gabor Mate, a doctor who works with chronic substance abusers.  The hopeful thing is that our brains have extraordinary abilities to heal when surrounded with communities of support and opportunity.  In addition to our neighbors dealing with substance abuse issues, there are many people for whom mental illness has made exiting homelessness extremely challenging.  For people in these situations, permanent supportive housing can be a key to identifying the support needed for find stability in housing and health care.  While it might seem counter-intuitive to give someone a home before they address the issues that lead to their housing crisis to begin with, all of the evidence proves that it is much easier to work on issues of addiction, mental health, and other issues people are experiencing when their days are not consumed with looking for a safe place to sleep at night and the difficulties of surviving outside.

Houston currently has more than 3,000 permanent supportive housing units and providers are working diligently to ensure that appropriate housing options are available for even people with the most challenging needs.  A collaborative of providers are working together to house at least 165 people, who are chronically homeless with behavioral health issues, exit homelessness over the next 2 ½ years.  Through use of housing authority vouchers, intensive case management, peer to peer recovery support, and access to health care, 10 people have already moved into their apartments since the end of December, and another 20 will have moved in by the end of March.  While it might seem almost too good to be true to many of the people exiting homelessness, the vouchers are theirs to use for as long as they need them, and we are doing everything we can to help overcome issues that might lead to risking losing their housing again!  The grant funds are able to purchase a bed and table and chairs for each household, but we know that much more is needed to help make their apartments into homes.  We would love help in securing additional items.”

If you would like to learn more, I urge you to take some time, click on the link below, and watch the video. It really helped me gain a much better understanding of the housing first approach.

Home at Last?

Below I’ve listed some of the items needed most.

·         Shower Curtains and rings

·         Microwaves

·         Vacuum Cleaners

·         Brooms

·         Shampoo and soap

·         Pots and pans and dishes

So, if you’re interested in helping, and have an old broom, some pots, pans, and plates, or anything else you think would help, contact me, and I’ll arrange a way for you to get it here! Or, you can always leave a comment and I’ll get in touch with you.

Also, Whitney recommended I read Gabor Mate’s book, “In The Realm of Hungry Ghosts,” for a real eye-opener as to what a lot of these people have experienced, and what led them to a life without.

You guys have been tremendous. And, I certainly don’t expect you to just keep giving and giving and giving every time I ask! But, at the very least, I urge you to explore your own community’s homeless services and ask them how you can become involved!

It takes a village to give someone a village, right?

Thank you for taking the time to read this, and for always being so inspiring and supportive of all I’m trying to accomplish.

Cliche as it is, I could not have done any of it without you.

Have an awesome weekend!

I’ve met a lot of interesting people during my time here on the internet.

Some are interesting, in the awesome kind of way.

Others are more…meh.

My friend Khristi definitely falls into the former category.

She helps sick animals get better, which is the first reason I fell in love with her.  And, after getting to know her better, I was happy to discover my feelings about her were right on. She’s kind, funny, and talented.

No, this is not my coming out post.

It’s a giveaway!

I spotted some earrings Khristi made on my Facebook feed several months ago, and I loved them.

They were made with feathers from her one year old hen, donated during her first molt. Since the hen is somewhat of an arteest, she was totally on board and was all PLEASE USE MY FEATHERS.

I’ve gotten a ton of compliments on them, and wear them with just about everything.

So, for Valentine’s Day, I thought it’d be fun to offer you guys a little somethin’ somethin’ from her Etsy shop, ktnunna (pronounced k.t. NONE-Ah, but she’s totally fine if you say it like I do – k tuna).

The winner will be chosen at random, or by how much I like you, and will receive $10 off their purchase.

Here’s a sample of just some of the cool she creates…

felt bow hair clip

wire wrapped shaggy pearl bracelet

sparrow necklace

white egg nest necklace

And, finally, this sweet necklace, recently featured in the premiere issue of From Scratch Magazine.

Be sure to check out her other stuff, too!

To win, all you have to do is jump on one foot and bark like a dog.

Or, if you’re a fun sponge….

Leave a comment here on why you love, or loathe, Valentine’s Day. Or, why you deserve to buy yourself something special just because.

Or, whatever, you can also just leave a comment saying, “Hey, what’s up? Man, you say some pretty stupid shit sometimes, Allison.”

Either/Or will work.

If you really wanna play ball, you can up your odds of winning by heading over to her Facebook shop and “liking” it.

You’ve got 24 hours, starting now, because I’m a huge procrastinator and Valentine’s Day is quickly approaching!

Annnnnd GO!