Snoop has a new favorite sleep spot.
The train table.
You know, because it must be so comfortable.
Or because we have to put the train back together everyday to avoid a toddler meltdown.
Most likely the latter.
Such an asshole.
If he had thumbs, I’d make him do it himself.
I’ll be back later with Shit That Sucks, but right now I’m inspired to share with all my Houston area friends something that is the opposite of suck.
I’ve hired a few handy/do everything men over the past few years and have always felt either ripped off or disappointed in the work.
Usually both.
Exasperated, and having so many things in need of repair, I recently got another referral from my sweet friend, Kara.
Fourth time’s a charm?
HELL YEAH IT IS!
Don Worbington, is officially my go to guy for everything my husband can’t do around the house, which…is….lots (sorry, honey, but it’s not really your bag, baby).
It is SO refreshing to find honest, hard working, and talented these days. That’s what compelled me to write this. And because I found out he doesn’t really advertise himself. What the heck, Don!
He got everything done beautifully in two days and was so, so reasonable. I’m not used to not being overcharged. Weird.
I even asked him to marry me. He didn’t answer, so I took that as a yes.
So, this is me, telling you, that if you’re in the area and need work done – on pretty much anything – I have the guy for you.
Hit me up and I’ll give you his number.
See you soon, friends!
xo
Allison Zapata Worbington
Saturday afternoon, Luca ran inside yelling, “Come quick, mommy! There’s a butterfly outside!”
The butterfly was on the flagstone in my backyard, fluttering around, very unsuccessfully. It was obvious he couldn’t fly, so I picked him up and put him up in a safe spot, on our fence. You know, so my asshole cat wouldn’t terrorize him.
The next afternoon, having completely forgotten about the incident, I was surprised to walk outside and see him back on the ground. He’d fallen off the fence at some point and was back to performing his flutter-crash-flutter dance.
How do the strays always find me?
I ran back in and quickly asked over 3,000 of my closest friends what I should do…
And then, as I was deciding the best form of euthanasia – drop an encyclopedia on him or back over him with my car – something made me Google “Monarch Butterfly Can’t Fly.”
(Aside: I wouldn’t know shit about shit without Google.)
First, it’s amazing how many butterfly forums there are. People love their Monarchs, man. Second, I came across a number of stories about other Flightless Monarchs. And people who have taken care of them.
Shit. Damn. Shit. I’m about to have a pet butterfly, aren’t I?
Butters was pretty weak, due to lack of food or water, so I decided the first step should be to see if he would even try to eat or drink something. Then I’d decide if he should go splat or not.
And, oh, how Butters ate (and drank)…sugar water, soaked on a paper towel, and an orange.
Then, I dug up an old mesh house, the kit where you raise your own butterflies (the infomercial one – yes, I got sucked in and bought one), and, BAM! Just like that, we owned a pet butterfly named Butters. (Wtf?)
Then my stupid heart was all, “Gah, this enclosure is way too small for him. I think even the splat of death would be better than this.”
So, once again, in a desperate attempt to avoid the splat, I came up with another plan.
A plan in which I found myself at the Home Depot nursery, during a torrential downpour (the nursery section has no roof), asking three employees if they had any milkweed for my rescued butterfly. They murmured amongst themselves, and unanimously declared they had no idea what the hell I was talking about.
Ummm, alright then, FLOWERS! With Nectar! What are your best flowers with nectar?
The man pointed to an area of colorful flowers and off I went into the pouring rain. I stood before a row of them. They all looked the same to me, but for their colors. I stood there in the pouring rain, looking over my choices, like it was the most normal thing in the world to be doing.
Do do do do do, just plant shopping for my pet butterfly, Butters, do do do do do.
I turned and waved at the three employees, all huddled together under the one area with a roof, whispering to one another about the crazy girl with the pet butterfly.
All worth it when Butters got his new home, of course. A free roaming home in my office. He walks around from flower to flower, where I place drops of sugar water. He’s also into oranges and watermelons, in case you were wondering.
Yesterday, he was looking a little sad though. You know, as sad as a butterfly can look. He just kept sitting right on the edge of the window.
I thought he’d appreciate some outdoor time. So, I sat him in our flower bed and let him feel the sun and wind on his perfectly imperfect wings. He sat there for five hours. Right up until the sprinklers were set to turn on.
It’s been five whole days since we met Butters.
He has become quite the internet-sensation, that guy. He’s even had his own live stream.
And, even though a lot of people, my husband included, think I’m one nut shy of whatever that saying is, Butters has also become quite the heart-sensation.
It started out as me trying to give this butterfly, who was dealt a fly-less, shitty hand in life, some not so shitty days.
It’s ending with me gaining an even greater appreciation for the value and miracle of life, big or small.
Like I asked my husband, “Would you rather be married to someone who walks right up and splats it, or the kind of person who walks right up to it and loves it?”
No, there will be no splat for Butters.
Because, that, my friends, is not in his cards.
I’m in this till the end.
(Which is supposed to be, on average, two weeks.)
(According to Google, of course.)
In the wise words of my friend, Heather…
Butters Por Vida
I’ve done a real bad job of remembering to write down all the shit that sucks this week.
So, that shit sucks.
But, here is some shit that has sucked since last Friday.
Friday, January 27, 2012
Having such bad PMS that you feel like it could destroy every relationship you have sometimes.
Political ads on both sides.
The time Newt said he thinks Spanish is the language of the ghetto. I don’t know about y’all, but I’m totally down with some multilingualism! It can only be a good thing!
Oversharing and then regretting it.
Tornadoes.
When your baby decides on a new wake up time. And it’s 4 a.m.
Cutting your baby’s toenails….and accidentally cutting the actual baby.
Getting a notice from your kid’s school that someone in his class has lice.
Having a kid who has hair that’s a louse’s wet-dream.
Getting your ass schooled by old ladies at Jazzercise.
Taking a new medicine moments before Jazzercise and feeling like you may just poop your workout pants.*
Sharing that you are worried about pooping your workout pants on Twitter. See: oversharing.
And, finally, saying something really stupid, out loud and online….
Reader submissions – Gah! You guys had a lot of shit that sucked this week!
Greis: #ShitThatSucks I haven’t seen you this week! (That shit DOES suck, greis)
Jamie Naiser Broach: you promised a park play date soon and never delivered…or you delivered and just didn’t invite me…sucks even more… (Let me explain. I sat up a party in the park, sent out an email to all my girls, and then totally forgot that I set it up. HAVE ANOTHER GLASS OF WINE, ALLISON!)
Kelly Laurence Hill When you’re super sleepy and are ready to crash, but hubby already sleeping and his snoring is so loud you know you’ll never get to sleep….gaaahhhh! (I agree, Kelly! That shit sucks and it’s annoying!)
Missy Walls When I cut an amazing fart and nobody is around to laugh with me. Just kidding. I don’t do that. Ok, yes I do. (We are laughing with you, Missy!)
Charity Jump When your 3 month old throws up everywhere, and you go change him, only to make it down the hall before he throws up all over again. (I’m so sorry! That’s awful!)
Celina Cortez Serna When you are in the stage of your pregnancy where just look fat and not pregnant:(:( sucks!!! (Yeah, but I bet your boobs look phenomenal!)
Elicia Moore Seawell #shitthatsucks Looking at your paycheck for two weeks worth of hard work/pain in the ass customers and your reaction is “that’s it?” (I know you aren’t alone!)
Sara Lamont Courser 10 week old screaming twins in the backseat for thirty minutes in line at the pharmacy drive-thru only to find out NO PRESCRIPTION. Sigh:( (Sara, I am getting itchy and stressed out just thinking of that!)
Amy Whitworth Freedman A newborn (who I LOVE) who has his days and nights mixed up so you haven’t slept in two weeks. :/ (THAT SHIT SUCKS, AMY!)
Jennifer Williams I puked in the dentists office. (That sucks, jen. But it made me laugh for some reason. Does that mean I suck?)
Jennie Potter Johnson having a sweet smell and taste in your mouth since Sunday probably from a cold that is pretty much nonexistent. (Jenny, are you snorting honey again?)
)) (Awwww, Bibi, that shit does suck. I think you DO have an appointment!)
(I’m sorry!)
Welcome to another new series here on Me and Mine: Snoop The Asshole Cat. I’ll be posting weekly, possibly more, because he’s always being an asshole. So much material.
* * * * * * * * * *
Snoop likes to lay here. Which means his tail always falls down in front of the cable box. Which means the remote never works. Which means I have to get up to change the channel. Which means I have to move.
I hate moving.
What an asshole.
* * * * * * * * * *
Shit That Sucks will be going up a little later today. I’m such a procrastinator. That shit sucks.
A week has passed and it’s Friday once again.
So, gather round and let’s discuss all the shit that’s sucked.
Friday, January 20, 2012 (wow, it’s already been 12 years since Y2K mass hysteria? That shit was stupid!)
When you find yourself screaming the same things over and over and over again and no one in your house gives a shit or even pays attention to you anymore.
Black jelly beans.
Being up until four in the morning with a sick baby who cannot stop coughing for even one minute (that shit is scary!).
Finding out that your baby may have asthma.
Not fitting into your jeans.
Diet foods.
Days/Weeks where you fail to keep it all together.
Being reminded that you failed at keeping it all together.
Feeling misunderstood and unsupported.
Black jelly beans (Did I say that already?)
Getting bills from the c-section you had 6 months ago, for the anesthesia. Apparently my insurance thinks I should have toughed it out. I’m such a pussy.
Anxiety.
People against equal rights.
Political debates.
Bachelor Ben’s butt cut (that shit is weird)!
Finally, coming across something that makes you question if it’s you that’s been the douchebag all along…
Reader submissions
Megan: sitting on the end of the row and having to let people out and in.. out and in. ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY. OMG STAY PUT.
Alisha: not knowing you had 2 pieces of raw shrimp left in a cooler in your car until the top slips, a week later.
Rachel: plans to go on a girls only ski trip thwarted by sick kid…reading said girls tweets as you fold laundry and watch tv.
Angie: imprecise feelings of inadequacy.
Ann: Ice-coated roads, trees down, snow, a power outage and no internet?
There has been much talk about SOPA/PIPA on the internet this week.
And, while my alter ego, Lazy Airhead, tried her best to ignore it, for fear that trying to understand it would break her brain, it just kept punching her in the face.
And then I learned it was about government censorship. And that’s what made me stop collaborate and listen. You see, over the holidays, a family member (whom I love, so no bad-talky) told me I should think about censoring myself on Facebook. And, while I respect their opinion, I strongly disagree. I am who I am, take me or leave me.
Are there times for censorship? Sure! See: Janet Jackson’s left boob. Or was it her right?
Anyway, sure there is a time and place for it.
For censorship, not Janet Jackson’s boob.
Ahem.
Are you guys still there?
For the most part, though, I’m not a fan of censorship. Not at all. On a personal level, it lessens ones authenticity, makes them less real. And, on a broader level, it just plain goes against our rights.
Not cool.
So, since you are all probably shaking your heads saying, “What the fuck did she just say?” you can go here and here for an easy to follow explanation of SOPA.
And if you don’t like it, which you shouldn’t, you can go here to do something about it.
And, remember, DOWN WITH SOPA, but not with sopapillas, because that shit is delicious.
Thanks for stopping by.
Happy Wednesday!
xo
Do you find yourself repeating the same thing over and over again all week? This shit suuuuucks. I do. A lot. Sometimes it’s something big (that’s what she said), sometimes it’s something so small that drives you crazy insane. In fact, there is so much shit that sucks, that I’ve decided I need to run a weekly column chronicling it all. The plan: I’ll wrap up each week with shit that has sucked. And since I know that you guys think a lot of shit sucks, too, I’ll be taking submissions every week. Just reach out to me on Facebook, email, Twitter, skywriting, or whatever (just don’t show up at my house, unless you want to go to jail – that shit sucks), and share with me some shit that sucks. Easy (just like you!).
Now, let’s get started with my first list of shit that sucks.
Friday, January 13, 2012 (Ohhhh, Friday the 13th. That shit sucks!)
Sleeping smashed up against the rail of a toddler bed, with toddler feet in your face.
Yelling at your kids.
Guilt, from yelling at your kids.
Plugging in the baby monitor, when climbing into bed at night, to hear a SCREAMING baby on the other end.
Accidentally typing 
instead of . Then spending the next hour worried you just made someone think you want to hump them.
When the DVR doesn’t record your favorite show (GAH that shit sucks!)
Intolerant assholes.
“Anonymous” internet trolls.
Mommy wars - women who don’t support other women.
People who can’t take a joke.
When people hide the guest list on Evites.
Finally…
Reader submissions:
Angie: getting an assy email and sending my kid to school sobbing.
@BartoloJ75: I’ll tell you what sucks, going to a Mexican restaurant and seeing white cooks.
Susie Vela thinks this shit sucks: going to the corner CVS to get a few missing toiletries, cleaning supplies that you forgot at the grocery store yesterday, and the ramen noodles you’re teenager asked for only to find they are out of chicken flav ramen which means you have to go to HEB after all because you know you’ll have the same dumb luck if you go to the corner Walgreens!
Amber: It sucks that my daughters may end up with a shared birthday (Feb 23rd) because the first was 10 weeks premature (due April 30th) and the second is most likely being induced 2 weeks early (due March 5th). It sucks that this is so important to me, but I wanted them to have special days, and because of my failing body that might be the opposite of what happens.
@caffeinated_mom: getting heartburn from WATER #saysthepregnantchick
James Hickey: Social conservatives.
@jailphenom1984: Ohio State University.
@queenofpink: Puking dogs, sick husbands, underwires in bras, fighting teenagers, the BCS championship game.
@missuptowngirl: That under the skin pimple that you can’t pop & hurts like heck & never seems to go away. TMI?
@AmandaMagee: passive aggressive digs.
Thanks for sharing your shit that sucks. If you sent me a submission and it’s not here, I’ll get to it next week! Trying to get organized (that shit sucks!).
In addition to my new Shit That Sucks column, I am also adding a weekly photo column, “Snoop the Asshole Cat.” That’s some rich content right there ladies and gentlemen! You are so lucky.
Hope you have an amazing weekend that doesn’t include too much shit that sucks.
Thanks for stopping by.
xo
**I just googled shit that sucks (after the fact) and I found this http://shitthatsucks.tumblr.com/ —-I’ll continue my weekly column on it, but just didn’t want to look like I ripped this person off…because that shit sucks!
Six months ago today, I got to meet this amazing little guy.
I think he’s aged well. Don’t you?
Happy Half Birthday to our Leo.
You are the sweetest.
And I’m not sure how we ever lived without you.
xo
*************
On a serious note, I have a favor to ask of you, friends. For my sweet friend Jen and an amazing little boy. Her cousin’s son, Cole, is terminally ill. He has cancer. He is four. The doctors were sure he wouldn’t make it to Christmas. He did. And now his 5th birthday is on Monday. AND IT NEEDS TO BE THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVER.
If you would just take a little time out of your day for him, it would be life-changing. An email account has been set up if you’d like to send him e-greetings or messages.
WishesForCole(at)gmail(dot)com
Or, you can send him a snail-mail birthday card, even better!
Cole Dieckman
PO Box 9
Joy, IL 61260
I brought the old school to him, with a game of Connect 4!
I’ve been following Cole’s story for a while now, you guys, and he’s such a fighter. What an inspiration! Please find the time to show this little boy how amazing and special he is…and how much he is loved.
Love most of you you all.
