Why are you so into the whole gay rights thing?

Why do you talk so much about racism and bigotry? You don’t know what it feels like…white girl.

Allison loves gay people so much, it’s like she wants one of her sons to be gay. (HA!)

These are all actual things that have been said to me…and about me.

And, on one hand, I get it. I can understand people’s confusion when I speak about issues that I myself have never been confronted with.

On the other hand, it boggles my mind.

I had an experience at BlogHer this year, that I’ve been meaning to write about. If only my kids would stop shitting their pants and trying to kill each other for one god. damn. minute.

I attended many valuable sessions during the conference, but nothing was more powerful than this one, presented by three of the loveliest people I know – Deb Rox, Kelly Wickham, and Faiqa Khan.

The session focused on blogging, and how much of ourselves we let people see. For example, some bloggers tend to stick to less divisive topics, due to personal reasons, or out of fear they’ll alienate some of their readers.

“Do you think you need to shy away from your perspectives on political and controversial cultural topics in order to maintain broad appeal among your readers, prospective clients/sponsors, or your peers–or do you feel the opposite: that who you are is everything you are?”

I completely understand that some writers wish to keep these types of views close to their hearts. And, not everyone does this because they want more page views. Some people simply feel old school about it – that it’s not cool to talk about religion or politics at the dinner table…and certainly not online.

I used to worry about sharing such personal views, because I thought it would alienate those people who came to my blog for a funny story, or those who see the world differently than I do. I pictured them rolling their eyes right out of their heads, if I were to broach more serious issues.

But, there finally came a point when I weighed the balance of fully exposing myself and my views, against only sharing safe, funny, and cutesy posts.

Guess which one won out?

I eventually decided that I just didn’t care how many eye-rolls I got, or how many readers I lost.

It didn’t matter to me.

It still doesn’t.

Like, just yesterday I received an email from an acquaintance, who was unhappy with some of the things I say in my personal space. She told me that she kept reading and following me, because sometimes I say witty things, and offer good insight, but that she was offended by my language sometimes, and my these people can go fuck themselves rants.

As tough as I claim my skin to be, messages like that can still sometimes get under it.

But, I have to stand my ground. I have come too far from my people-pleasing days to ever go back. Besides, I don’t write for anyone but myself. And, censoring or editing my writing is denying a large part of who I am as a person. That’s something I just won’t do.

I’m never going to make everyone happy, and I am okay with that. It is what it is.

Anyway, during the conference, Kelly said something that hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m going to paraphrase here, because it’s been a few months, and I’ve killed plenty of brain cells along the way. But, she asked why it was that when something tragic (like the murder of Trayvon Martin) happened, it was mainly only the black community writing about it, and sharing their opinions online.

Are we not all outraged?

Bingo.

She hit the nail on the head.

We don’t always need to know what it feels like to walk in someone’s shoes to be outraged, or to stand up and shout, or to just feel and want to talk about it.

I do not know what it feels like to be discriminated against. But, I do know how it makes me feel to witness it.

Do I get nervous talking about things I can’t always relate to? Yes. I’m always a little scared discussing such sensitive issues.

What if I say the wrong word?

What if I offend someone who doesn’t know me well enough to know I’m coming from a place of love and respect?

And this? Is precisely why we should be discussing these things. Because, it opens up a dialogue that can educate and enlighten us.

Like the time I used the phrase reverse discrimination.  And, Kelly pointed out to me that, “There’s no such thing as reverse discrimination. It’s discrimination, plain and simple, any way you look at it.”

Ah-ha! Light bulb moment.

See how that worked? I put something out there, and I got something in return.

Do I worry about overstepping myself, or being too comfortable with my words? All the time.

Like when I tweeted this during the debates, after a little too much wine:

The moment I put it out there, I wished I could take it back. Because, what if this wasn’t okay for me to say? Was it offensive? Would someone who doesn’t know me think I meant it in a bad way?

And, one person did think that. We talked, and I explained to her that I meant it in the best way, and that it hurt my heart to know that for even one second she thought I was that person. But, it ended well and I was grateful for the discussion.

I guess my point is that we need to step outside our comfort zones, and our safe little worlds, and talk about things, even things that make us nervous and uncomfortable…especially things that makes us nervous and uncomfortable.

Because….

Black or white?

Gay or straight?

Rich or poor?

Educated or uneducated?

Blue Cheese or Ranch?

IT DOESN’T MATTER.

And the reason why is a simple one…

When you strip away all the labels and colors we all have one very basic commonality, and one tie that binds us.

WE ARE ALL HUMAN.

So, let’s start treating each other that way, and sticking up for one another when we need to.

(P.S. I posted this on Curvy Girl Guide yesterday. And the response I got was amazing. I’m grateful for so, so many you.)

(P.P.S. I’m totally about to break out into We Are The World.)

A few weeks ago, I posted this on Facebook.

Warning: Crude language ahead.

*Earmuffs*

Obviously, there was some tongue and cheek there.

But, it brought up an interesting, and respectful, discussion on the things we choose to put on the internet, for all to see, and how these things affect our children. And, more importantly, it made me think about how we choose to present ourselves to our children.

How much of us do we let them see?

Are we real people to them, or just mom and dad?

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Friend: I hate that word and adore you. I would honestly like to know when and at what age you think it is appropriate for your precious sons can start saying this word? Like I said … I love and adore you, but this profanity is not what I prefer to use on a daily basis. Let me know your thoughts.

ME: Hmm. interesting question. When they are older, I don’t have a specific age, I guess it’s different for everyone and their own maturity level, if they are respectful to others and aren’t all like, “FUCK YOU MAM I ASKED FOR FRIES WITH MY BURGER NOT FRUIT,” THAT would be unacceptable to me. But, if they stub their toe in our house and mumble “god damn it” or “fuck that hurt,” I wouldn’t be too outraged or upset. To me, it’s just a word. On the other hand, if they call someone STUPID or DUMB, I would be IRATE. I would rather them say motherfucker on a daily basis than use those types of words. Do I make any sense? HA (Not a trick question).

Friend: My oldest is in college and my youngest is a sophomore in high school. Yes..they have heard that word ten fold. They follow me ( as I do them) on all social medias. I just prefer not to say it because I think it is beyond degrading. I just don’t think it is appropriate to use and/or I don’t like to let them see their mom say it over and over again. My opinion, yes. Just curious what you will do when Leo and Luca are on social media. I’m sure things will be totally different then. Maybe it will be no big deal, but I still feel this word is extremely offensive. Please respect my opinion as I do yours.

ME: Of course I respect your opinion! And, obviously, I’m sure it doesn’t need to be said, that I never cuss in front of my boys, minus the occasional SHIT! if a car nearly wrecks into me or something. And, funny, because I just got done saying to my husband that there is not one single thing on my blog that I wouldn’t want my boys to read. Again, to me, it’s simply a word that someone made up. I am so much more fearful of them saying something like “that’s retarded!” or “that’s so gay!” or the other F word that I DO consider awful and offensive..fag. Ugh. It pained me to even type it. So, if I hear my boys as teens, playing basketball outside and one yelled “I just dunked in your fucking face, dude,” I wouldn’t make an issue of it, UNLESS it was used directly like “F you!!” But, if I heard them say, “Quit being such a fag!” or “That’s so retarded, man,” you better believe I would drag them inside by their ears and let them have it! To me, it seems so many people don’t find these words degrading, when they are so much worse than actual “bad” words. My opinion, of course! Good discussion! xo

Friend: You know I love you and think you are insanely talent and creative when it comes to writing. I’m just thinking once you’ve put it out there…it’s out there… and you should have no regrets. I may be old school, but it’s something I don’t want my kids to be able to look back up and see. Just my opinion. Love ya girl!!!

ME: Maybe it IS a generational thing! But, every single thing I have ever written on my blog makes me proud of myself and I stand by it 110%. If, god forbid, I am taken too soon from my boys, they’ll be able to read my words and know that I am a REAL person with REAL flaws, not this strange sparkly version of ourselves we all too often portray to our kids. They will read about how depressed I was when I was pregnant and how I didn’t want to be pregnant and wanted to die or have a miscarriage, but that after seeing their faces I would have done it again in a HEARTBEAT. They will know I had an eating disorder for ten years and that I kicked it’s ass. They will see that I talk about all of this without an ounce of shame and and that it’s doesn’t mean they are weak when they have their own struggles, and they will. It just means they are beautifully flawed like the rest of us. They will know how much I value other people and their feelings and how much I hate discrimination and inequality. They will know I think being compassionate to others, even if they are different, and helping them when they need it is SO, SO important in life. And, then they’ll say, “Man, mom was a potty mouth, huh, dad?” And I am. And that’s just another part of me. If you ask any single one of my friends or family or even my OBGYN, they will tell you that they way I talk on here and on my blog, is exactly how I talk in real life. Of course, I have manners and know when NOT to open my sailor mouth, but this is who I am…good or bad. And, if reading me say “Man, that guy fighting against gay rights is a fucking asshole,” is the worst of it? I am so, SO happy with that.  And, I totally respect your opinion and totally adore you. xoxo

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I want my children to know me…to know all of me…not just bits and pieces.

I want them to know about the good, and the not so good times in my life, my mistakes and my triumphs, and how I dealt with it all.

How much of yourselves do you share with your kids? Do you want them to know all of you? Or just the politically correct version of you?

I was up late one night feeding my firstborn, when I found myself feeling completely alone in the new, foreign world of motherhood. I was consumed with postpartum anxiety, so sleeping when the baby slept did not come easy. Rather than lie in bed with my eyes open, or check on the baby for the umpteenth time, I decided to start a blog. I figured I’d use it to share pictures and updates with close friends and family. And, for the longest time, that’s all it was. My audience was small.

Sometime after that, my cousin introduced me to a friend of her’s. In addition to writing a book, this friend was also the author of a hilarious blog. One much fancier than mine. And people, other than her mother, actually read it.

Through her, I learned that an entire blogging community existed.

And the rest, as they say, is history. A social media junkie was born.

I joined Twitter and began posting links to my writings there, as well as on Facebook. Soon after, I began connecting with brilliant, kind, and hilarious women. Almost immediately, I felt a kinship with them and their thoughts, so eloquently written.

Much was gained with this new world. Things I didn’t know I was lacking, until I found them.

Suddenly, the late nights up feeding my son didn’t seem so lonely, because there were other mothers just as exhausted, happy, and frustrated as I was. I learned I wasn’t the only one feeling anxious about being a new parent. I stopped feeling guilty about those times I wasn’t feeling the new mommy glow everyone kept talking about. Because of these new connections, I learned it was normal to love this new being like no other, and at the same time, mourn the life I’d given up to have him.

The twitter handles slowly turned into friends and confidants. At times I felt more comfortable sharing my thoughts with women I’d never met before than with those I’d known much of my life. Perhaps that comes from reading other people’s intimate thoughts and sharing your own.

Oftentimes, I read about the dark, scary online world. A place where boogeymen lurk, waiting to prey on those most vulnerable. A place where trolls and bullies live, waiting to cut someone down a notch. And there are all those things, of course. After all, it is the real world.

But, just like the real world, there’s a way to interact responsibly. You know, things like not tweeting naked photos of yourself and not listing your address on Facebook right below your list of favorite bands. Use common sense.

What I don’t hear about as often, outside the community itself, is what a positive influence social media is for so many people, myself included.

Here’s why I fell in love.

There’s a place for everyone. You’re a stay at home mom and want to connect with other stay at home moms? There are hundreds. You want to collect oblong shaped rocks while dressed like Elvis Presley? You are not alone. Naked snorkeling? You get my point. There are people out there that have the same interests that you do. Individuals to talk and trade advice with, and possibly make you feel a little less quirky. Everyone has a place they belong. Truly. And social media allows you to find it.

The emotional support I’ve gained through my online interactions is invaluable. I honestly don’t know what I would have done these past few years without the women who live in my computer. Between anti-partum depression and loved ones taken from me way to soon, I always had someone to lean on. Someone who may have gone through exactly what I was going through or someone just willing to listen, or offer a hug. And, bonus, you won’t catch anything gross with a virtual hug. This community that I’ve become a part of is so rock solid and compassionate, minus a few chumps, that I seldom feel alone.

Opportunities! Social media has opened up doors for me I never knew were there. What was once a hobby for me has now become a way to earn a little extra income. All the while getting to stay home with my boys. And, I don’t have to put on pants to go to work. Don’t judge me, it’s hot in Texas.

Ask and you shall receive. Information that is. I’ll usually run something by Twitter first before researching it elsewhere. Obviously, you should take what you read online with a boulder-sized grain of salt. Again, with the common sense. But, if at three in the morning you’re wondering what the third eye growing on your forehead is, you have a large number of people to ask. And you can be sure that at least one of them has had third eye growing on their forehead, too. In fact, I recently heard about a mother who posted a picture of her ill son on Facebook. Her doctor had diagnosed strep, but one of her many online contacts suggested, by looking at the picture, another illness. A life-threatening one. This information prompted the mother to take her son to the hospital, saving his life. Yes, this is an isolated event. The information you find online normally won’t be life saving. But, it can help with things like finding the right stroller, or pointing you towards the best deal on that donkey you need for the upcoming bachelor party. Or something like that.

By far, the greatest gift that social media has given me is friendship, old and new. I’ve connected with so many friends from my past. I’ve strengthened relationships I’d neglected. I’ve deepened relationships that were once superficial. And I’ve created entirely new friendships all together.

So, in the spirit of social media, I asked some of the women I’ve met through it, how it changed their lives. Here’s what a few of my fellow Curvy Girls had to say.

Audrey – I got my job (in social media) via social media.

Kristen - I don’t have any friends in real life who have adopted from Haiti, but I have a virtual community of support thanks to Facebook.

Daisy – Social media wasn’t awkward towards me when I lost my job, cheered me on through the bar exam & always listens.

Heather - the online community saved me after my daughter died.

So, there you have it. My steamy love affair with social media and how it all began.

What kind of influence has it been in your life?