My original intention was to write an informative piece, explaining things women do that drive men crazy, outside of the bedroom, and why they do them, so I sounded an alarm and asked my male peers to give me the inside scoop.
And as the rants came pouring in, I became defensive, something that drives my own husband crazy. Inevitably, things took a turn in a new direction.
Man Rant #1: “Why do you leave hair everywhere, the floor, the bathtub, the sink?”
Pot meet kettle. Or, rather, gross male pubic hair meet lustrous female head hair. Men shed just as much as women do, we just happen to have a lot more hair. And male shedding is way worse, because, for some reason, an absurd amount comes from their nether regions. Pubes on the bathmat, pubes in the shower, pubes on the floor…what are you guys doing in there? Wait, don’t answer that. Besides, we usually end up cleaning the bathroom, anyway. So, until men are the ones with the rubber gloves and sponge in hand, they should just keep telling us how pretty our hair is, be it on our heads, or in the drain.
Man Rant #2: “Why is her car so disorganized and dirty?”
I get this from my husband all the time, and here’s the thing. In my house, I’m the one chauffeuring around sticky, little, Cheerio-addicted humans, who have bodily explosions in their car seats. So, until his briefcase starts asking him “why” 400 times a day, while picking its nose and wiping the winner on his seat, a simple thank you will do. Or better yet, wash my car for me.
Man Rant #3: “Why can’t she pass by a pharmacy without wanting to go in?”
Good question, and one that hits home for me. If I were to tally up all I’ve spent at Walgreen’s, you’d likely find me curled up in a tight ball on my shower floor, shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. So, why do I do it? Because it’s convenient. With two kids in tow, it’s a lot easier to lug them into Walgreen’s or CVS, than it is a grocery store. At the end of the day, it’s usually all I can manage. Plus, it’s like a wonderland of mascara, gloss, tampons, diapers, trashy magazines, and assorted yeast infection treatments. Sure it’s a ripoff, but the ease factor is sometimes worth the 100% markup on hotdog wiener emergencies. So, either start doing all the shopping, and buying us the right brand and absorbancy of tampons, or politely nod and pull over when we pass a pharmacy.
Man Rant #4: “Stop looking on my face for a blackhead to squeeze.”
Stop grabbing our boobs when we change in front of you.
Also, my husband has this strange mutant hair on his right eyebrow. Every few weeks, when it grows out, it’s like a third party’s in the room with us. It’s so distracting, and honestly, I just don’t trust it. When he’s in mid-sentence, I’ll quickly grab hold, and violently pluck it from his tender brow. After shrieking like a little girl, he typically yells at me. And, if I fail to remove it on the first try, he’ll usually refuse to let me have a do over. “Fine,” I’ll say, “Go to the meeting with your 12-inch eyebrow hair. I’m sure no one will focus on it, or try to braid it. Freak.”
This tactic earns me a minimum of three more attempts, to painfully rip the rebel hair from its brow.
My point is, that men are great at a lot of things, maybe even better than us in certain areas. But, hygiene, pimple maintenance, and hair removal aren’t of one of them. So, either confidently walk into that meeting, and introduce the dread lock protruding from your left nostril, or suck it up and relent to our obsessive skin-picking ways.
Man Rant #5: “Why do I have to say “I’m sorry” over and over again when I do something wrong. Isn’t once enough?”
That’s fair. Women can sometimes hold onto things for too long, and I’ve been known to hang on to grudges with a death-grip. It’s not that we don’t forgive you when you mess up, it just may take some time for our minds to tell our hearts that we’re done with it. And, even after we forgive you, maybe we’re still baffled, wondering how the hell you could have done whatever it is you did. We love hard, fight hard, and feel hard. But, at the end of the day, isn’t that one of the things you love about us? Especially when we’re in your corner.
Man Rant #6: “Women need to learn how to share the road.”
Yawn. Next question, please.
Man Rant #7: “Why do women never give a straight answer, always making us guess what’s on your mind?”
Speaking only for myself, there are a couple of reasons I’ll not so gracefully dance around an issue. Maybe I’m pissed off that he’s even had to ask something…He should know me better after all these years! And, I’ll somewhat shamefully confess, that in the beginning of our relationship I just wanted him to like me. I mean, did he really believe I was that into a football? Other times, it’s that trusty defense mechanism I tend to fall back on, that causes me to wonder if I’m overreacting, or being too sensitive.
And, sometimes, I just like to see him squirm.
Man Rant #8: “When women don’t want to have sex because they’re not comfortable with their body. Trust me, we don’t care.”
You say you don’t care, and that’s sweet. But, when you tell us the most perfect girl on the planet is Alessandra Ambrosio, while we’re leaking breast-milk and greasing up our stretch marks, it plants tiny seeds of doubt. For so many of us, our bodies have changed. They’ve carried and nursed babies, fluctuated, or experienced gravity in all the wrong places. Things that were once tight, now jiggle. And we pee when we sneeze. Honestly, I feel vulnerable enough when I’m by myself, standing naked in front of my bathroom mirror. Throw in a naked man, awkward positions, and really odd noises, and the self-doubt can rear it’s ugly head…making me feel ugly. So, just keep on telling us that we’re beautiful. One day we’ll see what you do.
Also, see here.
Man Rant #9: “Why are they always on their cell phones?”
Why are you always looking over our heads to check the score?
Finally, the one question that blew up my inbox.
Man Rant #10: “Why are women so passive aggressive?”
I’ll answer this with the words of a separate man-rant I received, wondering why women always asked rhetorical questions…
“Question from my wife: Have you taken the trash out?
How I want to answer: You know goddamn well I haven’t taken the trash out. And no, I don’t feel like doing it now, I’ll take care of it later.
How I answer: No, sorry… I’m on it.”
You mean passive aggressive like that?
Passive-aggressiveness is, no doubt, a toxic way of communicating with your partner. But, come on, it’s far from being exclusive to the female population. Both sexes are mighty skillful at playing that game.
Anything I’m missing, ladies?